Yes x 💯 I’ve discovered the same in recent years. ‘Peopling’ wears me out and I’ve always fought off the fact that it drains me. I’ve worked at pretending I’m a full time extrovert when actually I need peace and time alone after intense encounters. I’ve learned to know myself. Many friends would be surprised as, just like you, there’s a extrovert side to me. This post is brilliant 🤩 it’s good to feel ‘seen’ :)
It’s true, and I always felt I had to hide it 🤷🏻♀️ Bizarre really. I’m proud of us for being honest and for knowing ourselves well enough to know when we’ve had our fill of people :)
Yes to everything you’ve written here. It’s hard to explain to those who don’t understand, but I NEED to be alone in order to function properly. Like, literally NEED to, just as I need food and water and rest.
Right now I’m incredibly fatigued, my mood is low and I’m struggling with work, and that’s because of the school holidays. I love my children dearly but I’m desperate for time on my own. I think I’m a better mum/ wife/ person when I spend time by myself, and no, you’re right, being alone isn’t lonely. I wrote a piece about it if you fancy a read - https://simpleandcalm.substack.com/p/being-alone-isnt-lonely?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Ah you're right in the thick of it right now, Sophie. That compounding feeling of exhaustion and pushing through is really tough. I hope that once school opens again you can get pockets of that all important re-charging time. Take it gently.
Love this Janelle! I also love being alone, but it took me a long time to realise that. I wanted to be the fun sociable party girl and played that role for yearrrs until it was just too exhausting. Now I love a quiet night in with a bath and a book, sometimes I worry whether or not I'm "fun" anymore, but I'm just reframing my idea of fun and trying to worry less about what other people think and more about what feels good for me. I wrote a post on solo holidays which you might enjoy too 😊
It’s so refreshing to read of other people who feel the same about this. Like you, it’s taken me a while to work out that I am an introvert and it’s ok! I love nothing more than a weekend with no plans; just me and my husband at home to do whatever we want to with no external pressure.
I’ve just woken up and am about to head out for my walk. Just me and my audiobook (Tom Lake by Ann Patchett right now).
I'm really enjoying it so far, but am only on chapter 3. I'll let you know! I've read three of her other books and enjoyed them very much, so was keen to read this.
I'm an ENFP and we are one of the most introverted extroverts, because we have to have time to sort through all the feelings we have about all the ideas and experiences we absorbed. There is really two way of defining extroversion, the behavioral way (being a people person) and the cognitive way (thinking out loud). I'm a person who thinks out loud, but I get exhausted by people due to CPTSD. So, figuring out what works for you is always a journey. 💚
Thank you, Emma! This is so interesting. Yes maybe this is another example of where we love a binary ('I can only be either or') but actually life doesn't really work like that.
Thank you for sharing your take on it. It's inspiring to see how you and others are working on really getting to know themselves and what it is they need to thrive. Like you say, it's always a journey. I'm definitely keen to explore this area more.
You're so right, Janelle. There's such a lack of understanding of what extrovert and introvert really mean, or rather, how they manifest themselves. I was on a biking trip and on the last night we were sitting under the stars, all six of us, outside a cute bar in Italy. It was such a buzz, just one of those nights when all the ducks were in line and we were all so happy to have finished the biking but also to have done it in the first place.
Suddenly one of our group said she had to go back to the accommodation. It was so out of the blue that people were a bit taken aback: had we upset her?? No! She was happy to go back on her own and was at great pains to say that she'd had a wonderful night but now she was drained from it. It led into a really fabulous discussion on being extrovert and introvert (she knew so much on the subject - not that any of us knew that before!) and I remember thinking if this stuff was taught at school, growing up would be easier for everyone, life would be more harmonious and this would feed into more productive and supportive work places.
So thank you, for holding the discussion. The world needs it!!!
It's so special to be around people and friends who you can just be open with about it. And they won't judge when you say you're going to bed or you're not going to come to a certain event.
I often see people pressuring others to go out or to stay later etc and I think that's such a shame and really tough as it adds a layer of guilt and 'should I be more like XYZ'
I bet your friend looks back on that evening which such fondness.
I agree with every word of that, Janelle, and you know, I think she does remember it fondly, not least because we were all hanging on her every word, rather than all speaking together in a cringely extrovertedly, energetic kind of way 🙄
'Acting like an extrovert for the sake of work' Bingo! That was me for 45 years, not a fan of crowds, but if it was for a job I would be there with a smile on, no one knew it was an act. I retired this month and it is just glorious to not have to do that act every day, I am enjoying being my true introverted self without guilt or explanation, happily dancing alone every day!
I can definitely relate Janelle. I found the strange relief of Covid of not HAVING to do peopley stuff. I actually love people and enjoy getting to know a few people at a time well. The revelation for me was to realise that I was an empath, so picked up other people's energy and emotions. Once I learned to manage that, it got a lot easier.
Great observation, Louise. Yes I think the empathy piece is a huge part of it as well. It's something I appreciate in my personality but it can also be draining and overwhelming picking up on others' feelings.
Oh yes yes and yes again! I went through a similar realisation a while back. I was referred to a book by Stephanie Dowrick by my school guidance counsellor (also a calligrapher and definitely way ahead of his time) in 1988. It is called Intimacy and Solitude. That was the first time it landed for me that alone and lonely were different and had not so much to do with the physical state as the state of one’s mind and perception of the situation.
I have not concluded this line of thought exactly, but for a long time I have wondered whether it has not so much to do with the amount of others & interactions and more to do with the level of items requiring our attention/distractions, because I find time spend physically alone but on screen similarly depleting to being in a crowd.
Maybe they will reclassify introverts as long-focus/flow people and extroverts as short-focus/wave-break individuals or something like that? 🤔
That's so interesting about reframing introverts and extraverts.
It definitely needs a reframe because there is so much variation in how they're defined! I think that's why I had no idea I was an introvert until very recently.
Lovely to hear from you Nicola. I need to reply to our group! <3 xx
Yes, I highly relate except I have always known I was an introvert, a solitary person - open plan offices and big gatherings are my nightmare - but this did not stop me trying to be an extrovert. We are taught by society that extrovert is better. We will get further on life if we are louder. Articles are written about how to be more extroverted. So for along time I thought it meant there was something wrong with me, something that needed fixing so I would try and be more extroverted which more often than not meant drinking alcohol because that would make me louder and more chatty. Except it didn’t switch off my true nature so I just woke up feeling anxious and miserable. I have really only begun to except my true nature in these last few years and it makes me sad that I thought there was something wrong with being quiet and needing alone time for so long.
Thank you for writing such a great article, Janelle. 🖤✨
"We are taught by society that extrovert is better. We will get further on life if we are louder."
Yes, totally Becky.
Now that I think back, I had personal development plan meetings that were about how I could be more like this. And being told I'd be ready for promotion when I just 'embodied a certain attitude' - probably code for being more extravert.
I feel sad reading about younger you and thinking about younger me trying to contort ourselves into being like this. I want to hug them! Very glad we're accepting that this is a strength in us and something to lean into.
This is such a lovely and relatable post. Your language around solace from a slow and solo morning just felt relaxing to read! While a lot of the world has transitioned back to the hustle and bustle, I still spend a lot of time along at home--partly because I work from home, partly because I'm immune compromised and fear Covid, and partly because I love the slow and nourishing routines I've developed. When I do schedule a time to "people" and hang with my friends for drinks and snacks, it's something I look forward to all week long, but it's an addition to the lovely solo time I have. Again, thanks for this inspirational and cozy post about the highlights of solo time!
I feel like I straddle introvert and extrovert. When I do the Myers Briggs (possible typo) I get the same general type but sometimes the first letter is E for extroverted and sometimes it's I for introverted... The other three letters are always the same.
Anyway, these photos of you have made me realise who you remind me of, Christina Ricci, especially as she is now. She's been in Wednesday on Netflix recently, but it's the glasses that are giving me the Yellowjackets vibe. 😍
Ah yes I did Myers Briggs years ago in a job and was right in the middle of E&I. I think I remember the facilitator asking me to lean to one so I went for E, perhaps because I thought I should!?
It would be interesting to do it again and see how I come up.
Yes x 💯 I’ve discovered the same in recent years. ‘Peopling’ wears me out and I’ve always fought off the fact that it drains me. I’ve worked at pretending I’m a full time extrovert when actually I need peace and time alone after intense encounters. I’ve learned to know myself. Many friends would be surprised as, just like you, there’s a extrovert side to me. This post is brilliant 🤩 it’s good to feel ‘seen’ :)
Totally, Nat! Yes, I remember saying to someone that I was an introvert and they laughed and thought I was kidding.
Thanks so much for saying that :')
There are lots of us around here it seems!
It’s true, and I always felt I had to hide it 🤷🏻♀️ Bizarre really. I’m proud of us for being honest and for knowing ourselves well enough to know when we’ve had our fill of people :)
Yes to everything you’ve written here. It’s hard to explain to those who don’t understand, but I NEED to be alone in order to function properly. Like, literally NEED to, just as I need food and water and rest.
Right now I’m incredibly fatigued, my mood is low and I’m struggling with work, and that’s because of the school holidays. I love my children dearly but I’m desperate for time on my own. I think I’m a better mum/ wife/ person when I spend time by myself, and no, you’re right, being alone isn’t lonely. I wrote a piece about it if you fancy a read - https://simpleandcalm.substack.com/p/being-alone-isnt-lonely?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Ah you're right in the thick of it right now, Sophie. That compounding feeling of exhaustion and pushing through is really tough. I hope that once school opens again you can get pockets of that all important re-charging time. Take it gently.
Thanks I'm going to have a read!
Love this
Thank you Kat
Love this Janelle! I also love being alone, but it took me a long time to realise that. I wanted to be the fun sociable party girl and played that role for yearrrs until it was just too exhausting. Now I love a quiet night in with a bath and a book, sometimes I worry whether or not I'm "fun" anymore, but I'm just reframing my idea of fun and trying to worry less about what other people think and more about what feels good for me. I wrote a post on solo holidays which you might enjoy too 😊
Ooh I'm going to look for your post, Hannah. I love going away on my own. That's my kind of fun!
It’s so refreshing to read of other people who feel the same about this. Like you, it’s taken me a while to work out that I am an introvert and it’s ok! I love nothing more than a weekend with no plans; just me and my husband at home to do whatever we want to with no external pressure.
I’ve just woken up and am about to head out for my walk. Just me and my audiobook (Tom Lake by Ann Patchett right now).
Glad I found your page!
Hannah x
Preach!!!
How is the book? I've got this reserved at the library. I know nothing about it but the title and the cover are beautiful and intriguing
I'm really enjoying it so far, but am only on chapter 3. I'll let you know! I've read three of her other books and enjoyed them very much, so was keen to read this.
I'm an ENFP and we are one of the most introverted extroverts, because we have to have time to sort through all the feelings we have about all the ideas and experiences we absorbed. There is really two way of defining extroversion, the behavioral way (being a people person) and the cognitive way (thinking out loud). I'm a person who thinks out loud, but I get exhausted by people due to CPTSD. So, figuring out what works for you is always a journey. 💚
Thank you, Emma! This is so interesting. Yes maybe this is another example of where we love a binary ('I can only be either or') but actually life doesn't really work like that.
Thank you for sharing your take on it. It's inspiring to see how you and others are working on really getting to know themselves and what it is they need to thrive. Like you say, it's always a journey. I'm definitely keen to explore this area more.
You're so right, Janelle. There's such a lack of understanding of what extrovert and introvert really mean, or rather, how they manifest themselves. I was on a biking trip and on the last night we were sitting under the stars, all six of us, outside a cute bar in Italy. It was such a buzz, just one of those nights when all the ducks were in line and we were all so happy to have finished the biking but also to have done it in the first place.
Suddenly one of our group said she had to go back to the accommodation. It was so out of the blue that people were a bit taken aback: had we upset her?? No! She was happy to go back on her own and was at great pains to say that she'd had a wonderful night but now she was drained from it. It led into a really fabulous discussion on being extrovert and introvert (she knew so much on the subject - not that any of us knew that before!) and I remember thinking if this stuff was taught at school, growing up would be easier for everyone, life would be more harmonious and this would feed into more productive and supportive work places.
So thank you, for holding the discussion. The world needs it!!!
What a lovely anecdote. I can really relate.
It's so special to be around people and friends who you can just be open with about it. And they won't judge when you say you're going to bed or you're not going to come to a certain event.
I often see people pressuring others to go out or to stay later etc and I think that's such a shame and really tough as it adds a layer of guilt and 'should I be more like XYZ'
I bet your friend looks back on that evening which such fondness.
I agree with every word of that, Janelle, and you know, I think she does remember it fondly, not least because we were all hanging on her every word, rather than all speaking together in a cringely extrovertedly, energetic kind of way 🙄
This is so so great!!!
Thanks so much for saying this
You’re welcome ☺️
'Acting like an extrovert for the sake of work' Bingo! That was me for 45 years, not a fan of crowds, but if it was for a job I would be there with a smile on, no one knew it was an act. I retired this month and it is just glorious to not have to do that act every day, I am enjoying being my true introverted self without guilt or explanation, happily dancing alone every day!
Congratulations!
Wow that must have been absolutely exhausting to keep up. Now is your time to be your true introvert wondrous self.
Thank you for reading and sharing, Shire
I can definitely relate Janelle. I found the strange relief of Covid of not HAVING to do peopley stuff. I actually love people and enjoy getting to know a few people at a time well. The revelation for me was to realise that I was an empath, so picked up other people's energy and emotions. Once I learned to manage that, it got a lot easier.
Great observation, Louise. Yes I think the empathy piece is a huge part of it as well. It's something I appreciate in my personality but it can also be draining and overwhelming picking up on others' feelings.
Oh yes yes and yes again! I went through a similar realisation a while back. I was referred to a book by Stephanie Dowrick by my school guidance counsellor (also a calligrapher and definitely way ahead of his time) in 1988. It is called Intimacy and Solitude. That was the first time it landed for me that alone and lonely were different and had not so much to do with the physical state as the state of one’s mind and perception of the situation.
I have not concluded this line of thought exactly, but for a long time I have wondered whether it has not so much to do with the amount of others & interactions and more to do with the level of items requiring our attention/distractions, because I find time spend physically alone but on screen similarly depleting to being in a crowd.
Maybe they will reclassify introverts as long-focus/flow people and extroverts as short-focus/wave-break individuals or something like that? 🤔
I'll have to add this to my list, Nicola!
That's so interesting about reframing introverts and extraverts.
It definitely needs a reframe because there is so much variation in how they're defined! I think that's why I had no idea I was an introvert until very recently.
Lovely to hear from you Nicola. I need to reply to our group! <3 xx
Yes, I highly relate except I have always known I was an introvert, a solitary person - open plan offices and big gatherings are my nightmare - but this did not stop me trying to be an extrovert. We are taught by society that extrovert is better. We will get further on life if we are louder. Articles are written about how to be more extroverted. So for along time I thought it meant there was something wrong with me, something that needed fixing so I would try and be more extroverted which more often than not meant drinking alcohol because that would make me louder and more chatty. Except it didn’t switch off my true nature so I just woke up feeling anxious and miserable. I have really only begun to except my true nature in these last few years and it makes me sad that I thought there was something wrong with being quiet and needing alone time for so long.
Thank you for writing such a great article, Janelle. 🖤✨
"We are taught by society that extrovert is better. We will get further on life if we are louder."
Yes, totally Becky.
Now that I think back, I had personal development plan meetings that were about how I could be more like this. And being told I'd be ready for promotion when I just 'embodied a certain attitude' - probably code for being more extravert.
I feel sad reading about younger you and thinking about younger me trying to contort ourselves into being like this. I want to hug them! Very glad we're accepting that this is a strength in us and something to lean into.
Thanks Becky 🖤✨
This is such a lovely and relatable post. Your language around solace from a slow and solo morning just felt relaxing to read! While a lot of the world has transitioned back to the hustle and bustle, I still spend a lot of time along at home--partly because I work from home, partly because I'm immune compromised and fear Covid, and partly because I love the slow and nourishing routines I've developed. When I do schedule a time to "people" and hang with my friends for drinks and snacks, it's something I look forward to all week long, but it's an addition to the lovely solo time I have. Again, thanks for this inspirational and cozy post about the highlights of solo time!
I feel like I straddle introvert and extrovert. When I do the Myers Briggs (possible typo) I get the same general type but sometimes the first letter is E for extroverted and sometimes it's I for introverted... The other three letters are always the same.
Anyway, these photos of you have made me realise who you remind me of, Christina Ricci, especially as she is now. She's been in Wednesday on Netflix recently, but it's the glasses that are giving me the Yellowjackets vibe. 😍
*Googles Christina Ricci*
I'll take that! :D <3 Thanks Susan
Ah yes I did Myers Briggs years ago in a job and was right in the middle of E&I. I think I remember the facilitator asking me to lean to one so I went for E, perhaps because I thought I should!?
It would be interesting to do it again and see how I come up.
"knowing it's not self-indulgent, but essential" - Mmhmm, Luisa <3
There are so many of us around these parts! I suppose it's not surprising that we are writers and readers, creatives and deep thinkers. :)