“I am loving my solo morning time. Quiet. Just me.”
“I am thinking about how restorative it is to be on my own.”
“Here on my own, pleasing myself. It’s such a gift. I am truly grateful for this time.”
Hello you,
How’ve you been?
The above are all lines from my journal in recent weeks. Do you think there might be a theme here…?
I’ve been thinking about being alone and how vital it is for me.
I had three intense ‘peopling’ days at work this week. Fortunately, I was able to spend the mornings and evenings around these hours completely and utterly on my own. (Well, I also had my sister’s cat Rosie with me for company).
Instead of the zombiefication and fog I’d usually feel after all these interactions, I actually feel pretty boosted.
Being on my own…who knew!?
Well, I certainly didn’t for far too long.
One of the things I love about growing older (I just turned 34) is ‘getting to know myself’ and my truths. Some of them take me by surprise!
There are things about my very soul that I previously had no idea about. Like, I had NO idea that I would feel such deep love for a cat. But, here I am, with almost a year of cat parenting under my belt.
I was also surprised to discover that I, Janelle, am a bloody introvert.
I know right?
I always believed what we were told. Introverts are shy, perhaps withdrawn. (Basically, the dictionary definition!)
Extraverts are confident, sociable and maybe even loud.
The latter is me! I was lead singer of a party band for crying out loud. I’ve worked in comms all my life – speaking to people, telling stories and building relationships for a living.
And don’t even get me started on me and dancefloors…
Susan Cain (whose book Quiet is on my TBR) said in her Ted Talk;
“It's different from being shy. Shyness is about fear of social judgment. Introversion is more about, how do you respond to stimulation, including social stimulation.
“…Extraverts really crave large amounts of stimulation, whereas introverts feel at their most alive and their most switched-on and their most capable when they're in quieter, more low-key environments.” - Susan Cain
Throughout my twenties I lived my best extravert life. I worked in buzzy open plan offices and filled my weekends with social trips up and down the country.
I also performed across the North West. Our band got pretty good, so the wedding bookings started rolling in, taking up several Saturdays in the year.
Life was so much FUN! When I looked through the pages of my diary, there was always so much coming up to look forward to.
I also experienced increasingly regular periods of unexplained fatigue.
One minute I’d be up on the stage, the next, I’d be a husk, a zombie, an empty placcy bag lying on the sofa with a tear rolling from my crusty eye to the cushion under my cheek.
“This makes no sense!” I couldn’t get my head around it and I kept on searching for a medical reason for why I felt so bloody awful.
Then in 2020, I, along with the world was forced to cancel every plan and stay in. My partner is a medic, so he went out to work every day. I was left alone.
Alongside the collective trauma and the underlying hum of anxiety, I slowly began to join the dots.
When I looked at my blank calendar, I felt…relief.
In the time I’d usually spend getting ready for work (in an open plan office) and commuting to work, I read and journaled.
My slow, solo mornings became a solace.
I went for walks on my own to the park and unclenched as I watched swans on the pond and squirrels scuffling up trees.
Strange, new realisations dawned. I didn’t miss singing for a crowd. I didn’t miss trips to London. I didn’t miss seeing my colleagues every day. I didn’t miss hen dos and 30ths and family get-togethers.
“Introverts are capable of acting like extraverts for the sake of work they consider important, people they love, or anything they value highly.” – Susan Cain
It’s only really now, three years later, that I’m truly starting to learn what I need. Basically, a heck of a lot of alone time.
When I look back at the times I was so tangled in knots and unwell, it all makes so much more sense.
And it turns out that I’m definitely not alone in needing to be alone. Look at us all! Thank you to everyone who responded on Notes.
I’m still on a learning journey with this and I still get the balance wrong. I do too much, I tell myself little lies and I end up paying for it big time. (Also sometimes we can’t choose to be alone).
But I’m also very grateful and proud of myself for learning this and putting things in place to create my solo time spaces. I am child-free and in an incredibly privileged position to be able to do this a lot.
I also believe that being alone is completely different to being lonely. I’m not going to write anything on this today but I can signpost you to a brilliant article that
shared. Annie MacManus talking about her experience of loneliness.So, where can you carve out some alone time this week?
I hope it’s nourishing.
And please do comment below and let me know if this rings true for you too.
Janelle x
Yes x 💯 I’ve discovered the same in recent years. ‘Peopling’ wears me out and I’ve always fought off the fact that it drains me. I’ve worked at pretending I’m a full time extrovert when actually I need peace and time alone after intense encounters. I’ve learned to know myself. Many friends would be surprised as, just like you, there’s a extrovert side to me. This post is brilliant 🤩 it’s good to feel ‘seen’ :)
Yes to everything you’ve written here. It’s hard to explain to those who don’t understand, but I NEED to be alone in order to function properly. Like, literally NEED to, just as I need food and water and rest.
Right now I’m incredibly fatigued, my mood is low and I’m struggling with work, and that’s because of the school holidays. I love my children dearly but I’m desperate for time on my own. I think I’m a better mum/ wife/ person when I spend time by myself, and no, you’re right, being alone isn’t lonely. I wrote a piece about it if you fancy a read - https://simpleandcalm.substack.com/p/being-alone-isnt-lonely?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2