Are you describing my driving tests? 🤣 I failed at 29, 33 and 37 for exactly the same reasons. My instructor said I drove almost perfectly in a non-test situation but the moment I thought I made a mistake, I went into freefall. After the first and second tests, I had a meltdown and, obviously, avoided driving for some time. But on the third test, the examiner was such a wagon and actually dressed me down after the test that something switched in me. Sure, I cried and felt foolish, and then I booked my fourth test within a couple of days. I had to coach myself in the days before the test and during it to pass. Overriding my inner critic and the perfectionism and focusing on staying calm and present. And I passed.
I also have a similar experience of schooling (all girls Catholic convent school in Dublin) and that combined with a parent who terrorised me into believing I had to be perfect and that was failure was bad, it was no wonder failure and goodness go hand in hand for me. In 2018, I had a bit of wake-up call after experiencing a horrendous, triggering rejection at the hands of my then agent who’d said “I just don’t know what it is about you; you’re not wanted in the UK.” Husband found me in a heap on the floor. Whole thing made me see how, for me, failure reminds me of abandonment. I’m in a much better place about failure, but it still does a number on me. I endeavour to be self-compassionate and use whatever’s triggered by it as an opportunity to heal, grow and learn.
Supporting my teen girls has also been transformative too because I see them survive and thrive out of it but also because my support of them shows me how I can be supportive to myself.
No way, Natalie! That's so interesting. I'm sending all the hugs to our past selves sitting our tests.
Urgh I'm sorry to hear about that third examiner...but love to see how you reframed it from there.
I passed third time in the end. I actually still don't like driving to this day but I absolutely LOVE being able to drive. It's so freeing and I'm so grateful that I was able to pass and that I've had a car for many years.
Thank you so much for sharing some more of your experiences here and how you can look back and see how they connect back to failure/fear. I really appreciate this and when you see other people's realisations it really does help to connect your own dots. Your writing here on Substack has helped me a lot with this (and your book which I need to re-borrow from the library as I only got half way through before someone else reserved it!) You've been through so many gut punches and heartbreaks and of course it makes sense that you'd want to avoid these feelings again.
We keep moving forward, healing and growing <3
Your girls are so fortunate to have such a supportive and wise mother. What you're role modelling is so powerful (and they to you too!)
I think the jolt for me was finally passing my test on the fourth try and then realising that the real learning to drive begins when you have to get in the car on your own. I wrecked the bumper on the back of the car on day *2*. Had a complete meltdown about it and declared that I wasn't getting back in the car. Husband was like, ‘Yes you effing are!’ So I did. And I experienced awful panics… and then realised after a while that I was anticipating destruction on each journey without acknowledging I was also okay. That maybe I could prep for success and not imagine I'd been in a crash four times in one journey.
Thank you for getting it and also for reading my book. 🥰 I so appreciate your writing.
I feel like the three of us could sit round a table and talk about this stuff for hours! Hello from a four-time driving test fail (passed on fifth) and Catholic convent all-girl school survivor! Nodded along with ALL of this, Janelle. So many things I haven't even tried because I assumed I wouldn't 'succeed' straight off the bat so what was the point in making an attempt? Thankfully my thinking and feeling around failure has shifted and an experimental approach takes the pressure off.
Really loving this whole thread, thank you for everything you shared, Janelle, and Natalie for sharing your experiences too! I failed my driving test twice, both with the same examiner who was an absolute bell-end. I mean, he was correct to fail me, but the way he spoke to me was really shaming and horrible. The first time I shrunk and assumed it was on me that I'd got that reaction from him, but by the time it happened again - which was much later, and I worked really hard to build my driving confidence back up - when he treated me the same way that brought out that defiant reaction Natalie described, and I rebooked almost immediately. Thankfully the third time I had a different examiner, who was lovely, so that felt like a validating conclusion to what was a ridiculously lengthy process. Someone crashed into me late last year - I was unhurt, thankfully, but the car was a write-off - and even though I was sat still at the lights when it happened, my initial reaction was that it was still somehow my fault! How's that for showing how deep our 'failure' defaults go?! Like you both and others have mentioned I can trace a lot of that back to school, but I'm grateful for the chance to reflect on it more and realise how much I welcome failure (especially queer failure, my fave topic of 2023 and probably 2024 too!) now. Brill post Janelle, thank you again!
It’s so demoralising when people talk down to you in the midst of experiencing failure. It’s like, ‘Um, mate, I’m already feeling like shit. Get lost!’ Funny how we both saw it for what it was the second time it happened.
I’m sorry to hear about the crash. It’s amazing how we automatically make something our fault when it isn’t. Glad you were unharmed *and* that the experience shone a light on something important.
So much of what you’ve written here strikes a chord with me. Especially the part about never really failing at anything at school. It’s kind of dangerous isn’t it? Although I did fail my driving test 3 times!
These days I’m much more laissez faire about trying things and just seeing what happens. It’s a much more freeing approach to life but it has taken time and work to get to this point and I’ve still a way to go!
Here’s to embracing failure and experiencing growth as a result 🧡
It's only recently that I've started to piece this stuff together. Not only did we not really fail, we were praised and rewarded repeatedly for our good grades and behaviour etc.
Paper thin skin!
Yes I can definitely see you role modelling this all the time. It's brilliant. And you can see how your experiments lead to gold and/or useful information about what not to do next time. A healthy approach to life.
Failure I can cope with...(now, not always, I resonate with so much of what you have said here!). I've realised though that nowadays it's fear of success that really holds me back. There's a lot to unpack!!
Yes, this is so real! You wouldn't necessarily think it would you?
I went a masterclass with Amie McNee at the weekend and most of it was delving into our fears of success and defining what success is to us. I was amazed at how much came up for me. Complex...
Just came across this quote in my notes from when I started my substack and thought it was relevant here... ‘I’d be really scared of finding that I’d got somewhere. Because for me art is about searching, and if you come to a place where you think you’ve made a discovery, god, that could be really demoralising. I think the search is the thing.’ - David Bowie
My most vivid ‘fail’ was moving to China on a work placement for 6 months, and having to return after 6 weeks. Maybe a mix of home sickness, anxiety of being in a very culturally different country and the language barrier.
I thought everyone around me would agree in my failure, of not being able to complete the whole time period.
When I returned it was only me who cared. And now I am proud to look back and see that I even gave it a go, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and learnt a lot about myself and another culture.
I am proud of you too. Yeah, the fantasy stories that play in our heads can be powerful. But you did what was right for you. And I bet now you don't regret any of it - going or coming home.
I could have written several of your sentences about internalising that failure was bad and learning to avoid it at all costs! Sadly for me, even after some therapy, 'failure is not an option' is my default internal mantra, and I know it is SO unhealthy, but do struggle to change. But - change is still possible and I am glad you have begun to make some progress. I still feel I am climbing a hill of being too scared to take risks and have not yet got to the top where the view is clearer and I can see a different perspective, but will still try to walk on! Thanks for sharing your own experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lou. I really hear you.
I'm proud of you for continuing to walk on and for knowing that change is possible.
The irony is, I'm also prone to wanting to 'not fail' at my healing, growth and personal development. As if there is a 'right' way to do this stuff. It runs so deep!
But little nudges and steps do compound. If I look back I can see progress, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. Thanks for encouraging me to reflect on this.
I completely share that perfectionism which makes us want to do all the things without fault, even self-help! I think it's good to sometimes see how far we've come, and not how far we might still have to go. Here's to being able to be able to fail a little more. and to landing again on firm ground!
Thank you, Louise. It's been heart warming today to see how this has hit on something for people.
Thanks so much for sharing this. Yes, as with all of our work it's never linear is it!? We make some progress and then we fall back into well worn tracks. Our younger selves are still in there and will really send us sirens and warning alerts at times!
Gorgeous word, Louise. SHINE ✨
I don't really do word of the year but 'self-compassion' is very present for me at the moment and it all connects.
Substack has actually really helped me with sharing imperfectly. I'm trying to recognise this whilst little Janelle has her various freak outs!!
Funny thing, I took my driver's license when I was forty and failed the theory part four times and the driving part three times. Utterly convinced that I've failed a forth time.
I can see so many similarities in myself in your description as always doing and being good. Very exhausting. Now at 58 I'm much more relaxed and don't give a d*mn. At least not as much as even ten years ago.
Are you describing my driving tests? 🤣 I failed at 29, 33 and 37 for exactly the same reasons. My instructor said I drove almost perfectly in a non-test situation but the moment I thought I made a mistake, I went into freefall. After the first and second tests, I had a meltdown and, obviously, avoided driving for some time. But on the third test, the examiner was such a wagon and actually dressed me down after the test that something switched in me. Sure, I cried and felt foolish, and then I booked my fourth test within a couple of days. I had to coach myself in the days before the test and during it to pass. Overriding my inner critic and the perfectionism and focusing on staying calm and present. And I passed.
I also have a similar experience of schooling (all girls Catholic convent school in Dublin) and that combined with a parent who terrorised me into believing I had to be perfect and that was failure was bad, it was no wonder failure and goodness go hand in hand for me. In 2018, I had a bit of wake-up call after experiencing a horrendous, triggering rejection at the hands of my then agent who’d said “I just don’t know what it is about you; you’re not wanted in the UK.” Husband found me in a heap on the floor. Whole thing made me see how, for me, failure reminds me of abandonment. I’m in a much better place about failure, but it still does a number on me. I endeavour to be self-compassionate and use whatever’s triggered by it as an opportunity to heal, grow and learn.
Supporting my teen girls has also been transformative too because I see them survive and thrive out of it but also because my support of them shows me how I can be supportive to myself.
No way, Natalie! That's so interesting. I'm sending all the hugs to our past selves sitting our tests.
Urgh I'm sorry to hear about that third examiner...but love to see how you reframed it from there.
I passed third time in the end. I actually still don't like driving to this day but I absolutely LOVE being able to drive. It's so freeing and I'm so grateful that I was able to pass and that I've had a car for many years.
Thank you so much for sharing some more of your experiences here and how you can look back and see how they connect back to failure/fear. I really appreciate this and when you see other people's realisations it really does help to connect your own dots. Your writing here on Substack has helped me a lot with this (and your book which I need to re-borrow from the library as I only got half way through before someone else reserved it!) You've been through so many gut punches and heartbreaks and of course it makes sense that you'd want to avoid these feelings again.
We keep moving forward, healing and growing <3
Your girls are so fortunate to have such a supportive and wise mother. What you're role modelling is so powerful (and they to you too!)
I think the jolt for me was finally passing my test on the fourth try and then realising that the real learning to drive begins when you have to get in the car on your own. I wrecked the bumper on the back of the car on day *2*. Had a complete meltdown about it and declared that I wasn't getting back in the car. Husband was like, ‘Yes you effing are!’ So I did. And I experienced awful panics… and then realised after a while that I was anticipating destruction on each journey without acknowledging I was also okay. That maybe I could prep for success and not imagine I'd been in a crash four times in one journey.
Thank you for getting it and also for reading my book. 🥰 I so appreciate your writing.
What a journey you've had with it, Natalie! Massive props for persevering with it. I hope you enjoy having your car wings now.
I felt quite jittery for a while after the lockdown periods especially in the dark. But I did get back into it the more I got behind the wheel.
And thank you!!! This means so much coming from you, Natalie.
I feel like the three of us could sit round a table and talk about this stuff for hours! Hello from a four-time driving test fail (passed on fifth) and Catholic convent all-girl school survivor! Nodded along with ALL of this, Janelle. So many things I haven't even tried because I assumed I wouldn't 'succeed' straight off the bat so what was the point in making an attempt? Thankfully my thinking and feeling around failure has shifted and an experimental approach takes the pressure off.
I bet we could, Gabrielle!! The more I do my work, the more the theme of Catholicism/ Catholic school crops up...
Proud of you for building your resilience to failure. Framing it as experiments is so much more freeing. Still not easy! But feels less doom-ridden.
There’s no denying that messaging, shall we say, has an effect. Not easy but easier, that’s why I wrote a book on it! 😄
Really loving this whole thread, thank you for everything you shared, Janelle, and Natalie for sharing your experiences too! I failed my driving test twice, both with the same examiner who was an absolute bell-end. I mean, he was correct to fail me, but the way he spoke to me was really shaming and horrible. The first time I shrunk and assumed it was on me that I'd got that reaction from him, but by the time it happened again - which was much later, and I worked really hard to build my driving confidence back up - when he treated me the same way that brought out that defiant reaction Natalie described, and I rebooked almost immediately. Thankfully the third time I had a different examiner, who was lovely, so that felt like a validating conclusion to what was a ridiculously lengthy process. Someone crashed into me late last year - I was unhurt, thankfully, but the car was a write-off - and even though I was sat still at the lights when it happened, my initial reaction was that it was still somehow my fault! How's that for showing how deep our 'failure' defaults go?! Like you both and others have mentioned I can trace a lot of that back to school, but I'm grateful for the chance to reflect on it more and realise how much I welcome failure (especially queer failure, my fave topic of 2023 and probably 2024 too!) now. Brill post Janelle, thank you again!
It’s so demoralising when people talk down to you in the midst of experiencing failure. It’s like, ‘Um, mate, I’m already feeling like shit. Get lost!’ Funny how we both saw it for what it was the second time it happened.
I’m sorry to hear about the crash. It’s amazing how we automatically make something our fault when it isn’t. Glad you were unharmed *and* that the experience shone a light on something important.
So much of what you’ve written here strikes a chord with me. Especially the part about never really failing at anything at school. It’s kind of dangerous isn’t it? Although I did fail my driving test 3 times!
These days I’m much more laissez faire about trying things and just seeing what happens. It’s a much more freeing approach to life but it has taken time and work to get to this point and I’ve still a way to go!
Here’s to embracing failure and experiencing growth as a result 🧡
Yet more parallels, Hannah.
It's only recently that I've started to piece this stuff together. Not only did we not really fail, we were praised and rewarded repeatedly for our good grades and behaviour etc.
Paper thin skin!
Yes I can definitely see you role modelling this all the time. It's brilliant. And you can see how your experiments lead to gold and/or useful information about what not to do next time. A healthy approach to life.
Here's to more of this!
Failure I can cope with...(now, not always, I resonate with so much of what you have said here!). I've realised though that nowadays it's fear of success that really holds me back. There's a lot to unpack!!
Yes, this is so real! You wouldn't necessarily think it would you?
I went a masterclass with Amie McNee at the weekend and most of it was delving into our fears of success and defining what success is to us. I was amazed at how much came up for me. Complex...
Oooh fascinating stuff. That sounds well worthwhile. Defining what success means to you is definitely a great start.
Just came across this quote in my notes from when I started my substack and thought it was relevant here... ‘I’d be really scared of finding that I’d got somewhere. Because for me art is about searching, and if you come to a place where you think you’ve made a discovery, god, that could be really demoralising. I think the search is the thing.’ - David Bowie
My most vivid ‘fail’ was moving to China on a work placement for 6 months, and having to return after 6 weeks. Maybe a mix of home sickness, anxiety of being in a very culturally different country and the language barrier.
I thought everyone around me would agree in my failure, of not being able to complete the whole time period.
When I returned it was only me who cared. And now I am proud to look back and see that I even gave it a go, pushed myself out of my comfort zone and learnt a lot about myself and another culture.
I am proud of you too. Yeah, the fantasy stories that play in our heads can be powerful. But you did what was right for you. And I bet now you don't regret any of it - going or coming home.
I could have written several of your sentences about internalising that failure was bad and learning to avoid it at all costs! Sadly for me, even after some therapy, 'failure is not an option' is my default internal mantra, and I know it is SO unhealthy, but do struggle to change. But - change is still possible and I am glad you have begun to make some progress. I still feel I am climbing a hill of being too scared to take risks and have not yet got to the top where the view is clearer and I can see a different perspective, but will still try to walk on! Thanks for sharing your own experiences.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lou. I really hear you.
I'm proud of you for continuing to walk on and for knowing that change is possible.
The irony is, I'm also prone to wanting to 'not fail' at my healing, growth and personal development. As if there is a 'right' way to do this stuff. It runs so deep!
But little nudges and steps do compound. If I look back I can see progress, but in the moment it doesn't feel like it. Thanks for encouraging me to reflect on this.
I completely share that perfectionism which makes us want to do all the things without fault, even self-help! I think it's good to sometimes see how far we've come, and not how far we might still have to go. Here's to being able to be able to fail a little more. and to landing again on firm ground!
💕
This resonates so strongly! Thank you so much for sharing. I let fear of failure paralyse me for decades as part of my masking.
I’m much better at failing now and am usually able to see it as learning, but little Louise is usually unhappy about it.
Shine is my word of this year, and part of that is about allowing myself to be more visible and being ok with it not always working out perfectly.
Thank you, Louise. It's been heart warming today to see how this has hit on something for people.
Thanks so much for sharing this. Yes, as with all of our work it's never linear is it!? We make some progress and then we fall back into well worn tracks. Our younger selves are still in there and will really send us sirens and warning alerts at times!
Gorgeous word, Louise. SHINE ✨
I don't really do word of the year but 'self-compassion' is very present for me at the moment and it all connects.
Substack has actually really helped me with sharing imperfectly. I'm trying to recognise this whilst little Janelle has her various freak outs!!
Funny thing, I took my driver's license when I was forty and failed the theory part four times and the driving part three times. Utterly convinced that I've failed a forth time.
I can see so many similarities in myself in your description as always doing and being good. Very exhausting. Now at 58 I'm much more relaxed and don't give a d*mn. At least not as much as even ten years ago.