I failed at failure
And why I hope to fail more
Hello you,
How are you doing, love?
This letter is for anyone who has ever failed (it’s 4U).
I can so viscerally remember one of my first major failures. When I tell you that I could barely catch my breath due to the sobs rattling through my body. When I tell you the shame that enveloped me, tornado-like. When I tell you the tirade of horrible, bullying, character-assassinating words that were on a loop in my head.
I was behaving as if the world had ACTUALLY ended.
And what had this foolish, humiliated 18-year-old Janelle done that was so catastrophically world-ending…?
Friend, she had failed her driving test.
I know. Disproportionate much? But on that day, the pain of failure was completely all-consuming.
The irony was, it was my spiralling reaction to thinking I’d failed when I stalled at some traffic lights (I hadn't) that caused me to actually fail. When I made this mistake, I instantly kicked into defeated mode. I completely lost focus on the task at hand, gave up and made a really dangerous mistake that would have resulted in a crash if the examiner hadn’t slammed on the dual control brakes. (I know…)
Once I believed that I’d failed and believed that the whole rest of the exam was pointless, I just tapped out and started berating myself on a loop, thoughtlessly rushing to get back to the test centre and away as fast as possible. (Thank goodness I did fail! Because this girl was NOT safe to be let loose on the roads).
This memory resurfaced during my morning pages this week. I think because one of my current areas of reflection is my conscious and subconscious need to be ‘good’. This includes but is not limited to, never getting it wrong, never offending or harming anyone, being well received/ liked and getting external validation and praise.
The day of my driving test I had zero resilience to failure. To be honest, I’d barely had any experience of it.
I’d always ‘done well’ at school and pretty much everything I’d been encouraged to put my mind to. Whether it was my short foray into Irish dancing or my longer foray into playing the recorder. I knew that I was ‘good’ when I received praise from teachers or family members. And through everything I experienced, whether it was other kids being shamed in front of the class or endless assemblies about sinning and God being able to see my every action and thought, I managed to swerve failure.
I had so strongly internalised the narrative that failure was very bad and to be avoided at all costs.
So this, combined with the fact that everything was a competition with peers whether you liked it or not (starting our periods, losing our virginities), meant that when failure occurred, to me it was nothing short of catastrophic.
I sometimes wonder how things might have been if failure (not to mention anxiety and mental health) had been presented to me as it is now. As a normal and necessary part of the human experience. As an opportunity to learn and try it differently next time.
"There is no innovation and creativity without failure. Period." ― Brene Brown
In the sixteen years since I failed my driving test, I’ve thankfully had many more experiences of failure and rejection, major and minor. And I’ve built up my toolbox of coping resources. All of these experiences - not getting a dream job, being dumped, family fall outs, being called in on my behaviour, writing rejections etc – have enabled me to build that failure resilience muscle. I now have a body of evidence which proves that in the face of failure, I am okay. Or at least I will be after some wallowing and ruminating.
That’s not to say I’m cured though, bloomin’ far from it! This memory has resurfaced again because that drive to be ‘good’ is still influencing me. I know that frightened young Janelle can still take over sometimes.
‘don’t do that because people might see that you’re wrong!’
‘Stay quiet, stay safe, stay small’
‘don’t rock the boat’
‘Don’t put yourself out there to be judged’
I’m working on acknowledging when she’s speaking up, but not letting her fear of ‘being bad’ prevent me from showing up authentically.
Young Janelle believes that failure is disastrous, so I understand why she’s scared. But I now have the knowledge and wisdom to know that failing is not actually a danger to my life.
And this is where self-compassion continues to come in.
Trying and failing is the only way you can ever know what will happen. Freezing and avoiding guarantees that you’ll never know.
So, when it comes down to it, I know I’d rather try and fail, trusting that I can handle it, than never even try. Scary but true.
"It's only when you risk failure that you discover things. When you play it safe, you're not expressing the utmost of your human experience." ― Lupita Nyong'o
What about you? What’s your relationship to failure? And would you like to fail more (and grow more) in 2024?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments. You might even like to share and celebrate one of your failures!
Janelle x
Are you describing my driving tests? 🤣 I failed at 29, 33 and 37 for exactly the same reasons. My instructor said I drove almost perfectly in a non-test situation but the moment I thought I made a mistake, I went into freefall. After the first and second tests, I had a meltdown and, obviously, avoided driving for some time. But on the third test, the examiner was such a wagon and actually dressed me down after the test that something switched in me. Sure, I cried and felt foolish, and then I booked my fourth test within a couple of days. I had to coach myself in the days before the test and during it to pass. Overriding my inner critic and the perfectionism and focusing on staying calm and present. And I passed.
I also have a similar experience of schooling (all girls Catholic convent school in Dublin) and that combined with a parent who terrorised me into believing I had to be perfect and that was failure was bad, it was no wonder failure and goodness go hand in hand for me. In 2018, I had a bit of wake-up call after experiencing a horrendous, triggering rejection at the hands of my then agent who’d said “I just don’t know what it is about you; you’re not wanted in the UK.” Husband found me in a heap on the floor. Whole thing made me see how, for me, failure reminds me of abandonment. I’m in a much better place about failure, but it still does a number on me. I endeavour to be self-compassionate and use whatever’s triggered by it as an opportunity to heal, grow and learn.
Supporting my teen girls has also been transformative too because I see them survive and thrive out of it but also because my support of them shows me how I can be supportive to myself.
So much of what you’ve written here strikes a chord with me. Especially the part about never really failing at anything at school. It’s kind of dangerous isn’t it? Although I did fail my driving test 3 times!
These days I’m much more laissez faire about trying things and just seeing what happens. It’s a much more freeing approach to life but it has taken time and work to get to this point and I’ve still a way to go!
Here’s to embracing failure and experiencing growth as a result 🧡