Exercising our self-compassion muscle

I fell out of my routine. Now what?

Hello you,

I’m sending you stacks of love and compassion on this, the last day of 2023.

For the first time in (goes to count) 43 weeks, I have not published this letter at 8am on Sunday morning. This is me doing a tiny bit of self-compassion. ‘Hey, Janelle. Permission to not do it perfectly!’

I know, I know. It’s still Sunday. I’m not quite ready to break my streak…

If you’ve ever attempted to build any habit, you’ll know that one of the toughest challenges is not starting in the first place, it’s getting back into it after a pause.

When you’ve got into the groove of your routine, you feel flowy, motivated and charged up. The benefits of your regular action compound and you don’t even have to think, you’re just doing it.  

Then something interrupts it. Before you know it you’ve not moved in a few days and perhaps it turns into weeks. Perhaps it was the festive period with all its travelling, peopling and not knowing what day it is.

With exercise, the resistance to that first session back is real. You know it’s going to hurt. You know your fitness has decreased. And maybe to top it off, the sky is grim, grey and uninviting.

Even though you know it’s going to be good for you, your chimp brain (or whatever you call her) is doing everything to convince you to stay put.

I’m having the same thing right now, but with my self-compassion muscle.

Self-compassion is my mini obsession at the moment. I’d probably pick it as my (hyphenated) word of 2024 if that ever worked for me.

I’m learning to embody the notion that if I’m to be fully aligned with the human I want to be…self-compassion first is vital. I’ve known that in my head for a long time, it makes sense. But, I think I’m only just starting to actually learn it learn it.

And earlier in the month I was getting into a good groove with flexing my self-compassion muscle. (Partly because it was homework set by my therapist). This included going out into nature and intentionally ‘letting go’ of my racing thoughts by tuning into all five senses, doing the Headspace self-compassion course and generally giving myself more grace and loving words.

And even in a short time I started to notice;

• More spaciousness

• Feeling more aligned and less ‘stuck’

• More likely to take action rather than ‘freeze’

• More capacity

• More compassion and understanding towards others

The learning was starting to enter my heart as well as my head.

But then, Christmas and not being at work interrupted it all. I fell out of my exercise routine.

It didn’t take long for the benefits I’d been feeling to dissipate. It didn’t take long for a meaner inner voice to get louder. Usually, I really appreciate the ‘Betwixtmas’ days but this year I’ve been quite on edge and unsure of what to do with myself. And then…getting annoyed that I’m ‘wasting’ this precious downtime. The cycle repeats.

What we need at times like this is not to avoid our self-compassion exercises but to lean right on into them, no matter how avoidant we might feel.

And just like with physical exercise, what is it those habit people always say? Break it down into the tiniest goal possible. Not ‘I’m going to run ten miles today’. Not ‘I’m going to be self-compassionate today’. But ‘I’m going to put my running shoes right by the bed and slip them on first thing’. – That’s it, that’s the goal completed.

So, what’s the tiniest thing I can do to be self-compassionate right now?

It might be

• Repeating a phrase three times with hand on heart like ‘I love you’ or ‘I love and accept myself as I am’

• Taking five deep breaths

• Tuning into the soles of my feet on the ground beneath me

• A self-hug. (This is a thing! Try it now – wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze)

These are tiny. I can do any of these things at any time. But there is a good chance I won’t. I’ll tell myself I’ll start being self-compassionate again tomorrow. Or that they’re so tiny they won’t make a difference.

But, the annoying truth is, it does make a difference. (I even just did an experiment with the five breaths thing and I did feel the benefit).

I’ve fallen out of my habit and that’s okay. I’ve noticed the difference in my state of being and that’s okay.

I can show myself the love and care I would show a loved one, right now.

And I can show myself and others compassion for feeling sad, confused, angry and conflicted about being in this Substack space at the moment. A space which has brought me and others so much this year.

We now have clarity that Substack’s leaders are actively comfortable to host and profit from Nazis on this platform. I am a Substacker against Nazis. You can read the open letter posted by more than 250 writers here along with Substack’s response and what’s happened since. Thank you

The Handbasket

We got Substack to admit its Nazi problem

I’d love to hear how you show yourself compassion or if you are only just realising that this is a thing! Please feel free to share in the comments. We can create a compassion ripple right here.

Take care dear you.

Happy new year.

Janelle x